Performance enhancing drugs, a beginners guide to shuffling with multi-lingual panache

At last my drugs have arrived! No, no no, don’t get me wrong, I’m not talking EPO or THG here. Calm down Lord Coe. No, this is the usual caffeine/fructose/glucose mix but in a different format. About 2 years ago a German colleague was training for the Frankfurt Marathon and he told me that he had the usual problems with gels i.e.; they taste like wallpaper paste and you need to take gallons of water on board to make them both palatable and consumable. Great for hanging a bit of woodchip but not much good on race day with the usual dearth of latrines.

Luckily for him he had found a new product which the Tri nutters over there use. He told me the name which sounded like “Raketenkraftstoff macht dicken Mannlauf, wie ein fein Sportler einstellen“ which roughly translates as “rocket fuel“ (I’ve since learnt how to pronounce it in properly in German but I’m never sure when to stop, actually I made that bit up). The upside is that it comes in individual little packages slightly larger than a marshmallow and with the same consistency. You simply pop it into the side your mouth between your teeth and you cheek and let it dissolve, or for the German speakers among you try this claim from their website “Sofort Energie! Durch die direkte Aufnahme über Mundschleimhäute wird der Magen-Darm-Bereich entlastett” the literal translation of which is “Immediately energy -Through the direct reception over mouth mucous membranes, the stomach-intestine-area is relieved”. Now that bit I didn't make that up. Nice.

Downside #1 is that it's not available in the UK. Downside #2 is that the large lopsided bulge in your mouth leaves you looking like a hamster that’s just had a severe stroke. Now I’m sure you’ll agree that really is a classy look but frankly I don’t care. But the real bummer is that they’ve been out of stock since December, mein Gott! Thankfully mein freund has since made a bulk purchase for me which arrived under plain wrapper last week. Thomas, ich liebe dich.

So with the aid of my Raketenkraftstoff I was able to trot round the 16 miler in relative comfort (sorry Ben, did I say trots?) together with the moral assistance of Wendy & Sarah H. I’m relieved to say that my achilles, which had been troubling me, are fine although I do have quads of oak instead (should that be achilli? Any members of “pedants are we” are free to comment). I have to say the long-run distances are now looking a little bonkers especially to normal folk.
Q: How was you weekend Nick?
A: Pretty quiet, I ran from BBH to Slinfold, Slinfold to Five Oaks, Five Oaks to Billingshurst, Billingshurst to Barns Green, Barns Green to Christs Hospital and then home. Apart from that not much. How about you?
Q: Errrr…………

I have 2 quotes again this week; choose your favourite depending on your depth of pomposity:
“Games require skill. Running requires endurance, character, pride, physical strength, and mental toughness. Running is a test, not a game. A test of faith, belief, will, and trust in ones self. So hardcore that it needs a category all to itself to define the pain. When game players criticize, it's because they aren't willing to understand, not because they're stronger. Running is more than a sport; it's a lifestyle. If you have to ask us why we run, you'll never understand, so just accept.” - Jessica Propst
Or
“I don’t train. I just run 3-15 miles a day.” - Jack Foster

See you all Tuesday,
N